Family life leaves its mark on the lives of both spouses. Often, marriage occurs when people's minds are clouded by love, and feelings take precedence over common sense. Over time, feelings fade, and people begin to see each other's shortcomings, which are sometimes very annoying. On this basis, conflicts can arise that alienate once-loving spouses. These factors, when accumulated, can push a couple towards divorce.
Reasons for divorce after a long marriage
It often happens that people who have experienced both sorrow and joy together decide to divorce after 20-30 years. Of course, for each family such a decision is individual. However, we can highlight the most common arguments that push people to break their marriage ties:
Some families are trying to overcome these problems and turn to psychologists, revise their lifestyle, and try to control their thoughts and emotions. For others, the only solution is divorce.
Pros and cons of late divorces
Every family experiences divorce differently. Some see only the positives and fearlessly look at their future lives, while others have no idea what to do next.
Sometimes a late divorce is a chance to start over. If the life of the former spouses was full of tension, the relationship did not work out, then after being freed from the burden of an unhappy family life they become prettier before our eyes and exude vital energy.
Breaking up an unhappy marriage allows you to open your heart to new love, which can create happy family. Over time, the feelings of the former spouses, burdened by everyday problems, fade away. Divorce will allow you to find a person with whom you will be warm and comfortable for the rest of your life.
There is an opportunity for self-realization, to devote yourself to your favorite business or hobby. It happens that after 25-30 years a moment suddenly comes when a person realizes that the years have passed and his talent has not yet been discovered. For example, a talented actor works in a car dealership, or a singer sits at the cash register in a store. Family and children do not allow you to change jobs, or the fear of dismissal prevents you from changing your occupation, and over time there is a need to stop all this. When children no longer need support, people eventually get divorced and begin to realize their talents.
Undoubtedly, family life for 10-30 years leaves a person with invaluable experience, which is “paid for” with strength, anxiety and stress. However, such experience will be useful when creating new relationships.
In addition to the positive aspects of divorce, some difficulties arise. Many people find it difficult to get used to being alone or to a new partner. The ex-husband might have gotten bored after 15 years, but he knew all his wife’s habits and preferences by heart - this is very convenient. It happens that some time after a divorce, ex-spouses begin living together again.
For some reason, late divorce often does not find support in society. You should be prepared for the fact that someone will say something unpleasant with condemnation.
As men age, they may experience problems with the cardiovascular system or exacerbation of chronic diseases, because many of them are trying to find a younger partner. Consequently, you need to spend more strength and energy, and a sharp change in sexual activity with age is fraught with many dangers.
Regardless of age, children worry about their parents' divorce. For almost every child, mother and father are a single whole. It happens that the initiator of a divorce loses contact with his child for the rest of his life.
How do you know if you should divorce your spouse with whom you have lived for more than 20 years?
To understand whether it is worth getting a divorce after 20 years of marriage, you need to listen to your inner feelings. The answer to this question is very individual. Undoubtedly, you need to break off relations with a drug addict, alcoholic, liar and traitor. Moreover, you should leave as soon as possible from a person who is aggressive, uses violence, or negatively affects the mental state of family members.
If the spouses become bored in the family and want new emotions and experiences, then it is better to find the true cause and try to eliminate it. Faded love can be turned into strong friendship. Spouses who have been married for 20-30 years can become not just partners, but true friends and kindred spirits.
It seems that the spouses who celebrated their silver wedding will grow old together and die on the same day. They have adult children, perhaps they already have grandchildren, they lived together - no joke! - a quarter of a century and it seems nothing can shake their relationship. But in reality, everything is far from being as rosy as it looks at the celebration of another wedding anniversary. If there are problems in the family, they grow every year, if there is a crack, then time only increases it.
Divorce after 30 years of marriage or more is quite possible. This sometimes requires a lot good reason, and sometimes none apparent reason no need. It all depends on how the relationship between the spouses developed all these years, how they felt in each other’s company.
Reasons for divorce after several decades of marriage
- Treason. It doesn’t matter when it was - now or long ago. The main thing is that they remember about her, that the memory of her does not allow you to live in peace and enjoy the company of your soulmate. The resentment towards the traitor can persist for more than one year, and as soon as the time was right in the opinion of the spouse, he filed for divorce and broke off the marital relationship with the one who once betrayed him. Usually the catalyst for such divorces is the growing up of children. The one who holds the grudge had some kind of psychological threshold, for example, the child’s coming of age or his graduation from college, and when the threshold was reached, the decision to divorce ripened instantly. Divorce in this case is perceived as liberation from the society of a disgusted person.
- Love. All ages are truly submissive to love. It can come to a young and mature person. And a mature person will appreciate it more and be able to preserve it. He will now prefer to spend time with his loved one and loving person than with the one to whom you are accustomed long years together. After 40-50 years, feelings are valued more than in youth and young adulthood, so a lover is ready to make sacrifices for them, including divorce after many years of marriage.
- Negative family environment. Constant “sawing” from year to year, reproaches, scandals, quarrels and showdowns spoil any relationship. Sometimes, apart from the stamp and the marriage registration certificate, the spouses have nothing in common. Well, perhaps they are still children of common blood. They run away from such families at any age, as soon as the opportunity arises.
- Intimate dissatisfaction. If the husband is no longer able to fully respond to his wife’s sexuality, or the wife, after menopause or undergoing surgery “like a woman,” which often happens with middle-aged women, loses interest in sex, then even after three decades of marriage, this can lead to separation .
- Alcohol or other addiction. This reason for divorce practically does not depend on the age of the spouses. If one of them has an addiction, the second either endures and becomes codependent himself, or breaks all ties with the alcoholic (drug addict, gambling addict) decisively and completely. Sometimes it happens that one of the spouses—usually a woman—endures, as in the case of infidelity, up to a certain threshold and divorces her husband upon reaching this threshold. There is no justification for such long-suffering. Children do not need a dependent father, especially if he puts the family in a difficult financial situation, practices physical violence against his wife and/or children, and becomes aggressive and uncontrollable. As a husband, he is also worthless. Therefore, you should not wait for anything; you should immediately divorce a man if he has an addiction.
Positive aspects of late divorces
- If life is with ex-husband was difficult, tense, the relationship was unhealthy, then after a divorce and liberation from the burden of a disgusting family life, men and women become younger before our eyes, stop getting sick and feel full of strength. Late divorce is a chance to live the second part of your life freely and happily.
- There is a chance to fall in love and establish a relationship with a truly loved one. Perhaps such a person had been in mind for a long time, but being bound by marriage did not allow him to give free rein to his feelings and desires. Divorce provides an opportunity to respond to the call of love and build a pure and healthy relationship on its basis.
- It is possible to devote yourself to your favorite business or hobby. It often happens that a talented artist fixes cars in a car repair shop, and a brilliant actress balances the books. This usually happens due to the fact that their parents or circumstances chose the profession for them. And then you can’t change your occupation because it’s not supported own family, I’m scared to quit my job, I don’t want to risk the financial well-being of my children. But personal needs do not disappear; they make themselves known from time to time. And when children no longer need parental support, the artist or actress divorces their spouse, who has not understood their nature all their lives, quits their job or retires and begins to realize their talents.
- Gaining valuable experience. Experience is needed at any age. And therefore, although receiving it is paid for with nervous energy, it acts as a measure in subsequent relationships.
Negative aspects of late divorces
- It is very difficult to get used to living alone or with a new partner. The former husband, of course, seemed like a boring book he had read (what was he read, memorized by heart), but he had just as accurately learned all the habits and preferences of his other half. The ex-husband knew how much sugar to put in your tea, how many drops of Corvalol to drip in, and how to treat a lumbago in the lower back. Everything was familiar and known ten steps in advance. But it was also very convenient. It is not for nothing that after a divorce many people begin to live together again, unable to imagine their life without their former spouse.
- Society sharply condemns late divorces and reacts sharply to them with remarks such as “an old man with a beard,” “divorced in old age.” It is very difficult to find support and understanding for those who decide to divorce after 25 years of marriage.
- Misunderstanding of children. Even adult children worry about their parents’ divorce, although they have long been able to have their own families and live separately from their mothers and fathers. Sometimes a divorce destroys the relationship between the initiator of the separation and his children, and this relationship is never restored until the end of his life.
- Cardiovascular diseases. This danger lurks most of all among men. He and his wife developed a familiar rhythm sex life. Having become free, the man tries to “catch up on lost time.” He spends time with women who are younger and more active, or he falls in love with a woman and tries to surprise her with his experience. A sharp change in sexual tempo often leads to vascular spasms, increased blood pressure, and causes strokes and heart attacks.
- Exacerbation of chronic diseases. Divorce at any age is extremely stressful for a person. Against this background, they often worsen chronic diseases: diabetes, hypertension, gastritis and others. If the patient is in a pre-depressive state, treatment may become more complicated and take a long time.
- High likelihood of loneliness. Potential partners for life together are mostly married, and those who are divorced are usually not of interest as partners because of the negative qualities that led them to divorce.
Everyone answers this question themselves. You need to get a divorce when it is impossible to live together. You definitely need to leave an alcoholic, a drug addict, a pathological liar, a cruel and aggressive person, a traitor. Moreover, you should break up with your spouse if his presence threatens the physical and mental health of family members.
If you just got bored, wanted to experience a thrill, find a new partner, then it is better to first try to eliminate the cause of boredom in the family, try to find new interests together with your spouse, and then only decide on a divorce if nothing works out. Gone passion and subsided love can be turned into strong, tender friendship. This is why long-term unions are valuable - the spouses in them are not just partners in life together, but also true friends.
The husband understands that his wife in the morning is not the same beauty as in the afternoon. The wife has already seen her husband not only on a “horse,” but sometimes also “on the horns.” After 2-3 years of marriage or after the birth of a child. Although now the birth of the first child can occur either immediately after Mendelssohn’s march or after more years. Sleepless nights at the baby's bedside, his first teeth and last breastfeeding. The wife is more like a mother hen than an object of sexual desire. Her husband is in the back of her mind, somewhere there... at a second job, in pursuit of hypoallergenic food, or just in the next room, but... as if beyond the horizon. After 7-9 years of marriage. Everything seemed to have settled down, gotten used to it - sex and children, friends and work. But it has settled down and gotten used to it to such an extent that you already want something new - both at home and in your career. However, I’m still afraid to change anything. After 14-16 years of marriage.
Reasons for divorce after 20 years of happy marriage
Public opinion is also on the side of the husband and condemns the wife for missing out on such a good man. Therefore, all young wives should know that insults inflicted on a spouse in the first decade of marriage are not only not forgotten, but turn out to be disastrous for the marriage.
For your porcelain marriage to take place, from the first year of marriage you need to build your marital relationship on love, mutual understanding and compliance with each other. Let me remind you that women are 2 times more likely to file for divorce than men, and 3 times less likely to start a second family than men.
At the age of 40-50 years, the number of available women exceeds the number of potential grooms of the same age. Women need to remember this and not be a generator of conflicts in the family, then you will have the opportunity to celebrate a porcelain, silver, and gold wedding.
That's what I wish for you. Interesting read: Adaptation in a young family. Relationships between spouses.
A story about the relationship between spouses after 20 years of marriage
Attention
Twenty years is another critical age for marriage. After 20 years of marriage, the spouses get used to each other so much that they almost become relatives.
The romance leaves the relationship (or has long since left), the desire has faded, and a habit has appeared. But if the spouses are still relatively young, then their personal desires have not gone away.
Info
Just mutual attraction as a rule, no longer. In addition, by the age of 40 - 50, a man begins to feel the first signs of the decline of certain functions, which causes panic, and often leads to a desire to make sure that in fact everything is still the same, just his wife, not the woman who causes desire. And a man can go to great lengths, more often with younger women, trying to prove to himself that he is still great.
This is the same “demon in the rib”.
Crisis in family relationships - 20-25 years of marriage. why do men leave their families?
One of the spouses or both suddenly becomes scared - everything has been achieved, nothing new and exciting will happen in life anymore. And the play begins called “Gray hair in the beard, demon in the rib.” Husband: “And all these long-legged girls will never be mine?” Wife: “Am I going to wake up in bed with this beer belly for the rest of my life?” In 20-25 years. The children grew up, fledged and flew out of the nest. Life is smooth, there is enough money, but you don’t want to enjoy life together. Building a family boat can be more interesting than the process of living together. Just like in childhood, while you are building a “house”, the game is very exciting.
As soon as the “house” is built, the game itself fades away. Why? Of course, there are many reasons why a family crisis occurs. To paraphrase the classic phrase taken for the title of this article - each family has its own: 1. Material problems.
What is the main cause of family problems after 20 years of marriage?
For, people’s character deepens with age and therefore character traits that they did not like or were bad become causes of quarrels. But all these disagreements will disappear if they again remember about love and begin to love each other the same way, or respect each other more, or give in... The main reason is love! Habit, as well as the desire to regain your former youth. The 20th anniversary of a family union most often falls when people are 40-50 years old. It is during these years that they feel the approach of old age and the desire to regain youth back. Therefore, you can notice how a woman and a man transform their appearance in order to attract the attention of other people... Plus, the monotony of life and a thorough knowledge of their partner is added to this. I want something new and unknown, which also pushes people to meet others.
Family life
Where would we be without them? Even in a wealthy family there can be endless disputes about what and how to spend money. 2. Cheating on one of the partners. The problem is as old as the hills, but that makes it no less acute and painful.
3. Absence of children, or vice versa, their appearance. For some, the whole meaning of life is in children. And someone dreams of a comfortable life and full of pleasures for themselves personally. The appearance of children changes the usual way of life and thoughts.
Their absence becomes a problem of self-realization for many and a reason for silent pity on the part of others. 4. Cooling of feelings. The husband still loves and wants, but the wife cuts off all hints of sex.
The opposite situation also happens, despite the assurances of sexologists that a man wants it always and everywhere. 5. Boredom, habit, monotony. Every day is like Groundhog Day. The same gestures, conversations, words, deeds. When will anything happen? 6. One of the partners’ own internal crisis.
Married relationships after 15 - 20 years of marriage???
Solid experience - 20 years of marriage. Unfortunately, not every marriage survives to this date. After 20 years of married life, the couple celebrates a porcelain wedding.
This is very symbolic, because porcelain is a beautiful, but rather fragile material and requires careful handling. And living twenty years in marriage is a great merit of both spouses.
But we must remember that marriage during this period of life together is fragile, like porcelain, and requires careful treatment. What happens in the life of spouses who have been legally married for 20 years? If in the first years of family life everything was not in favor young husband, because his wife had a lot of leverage over him, then after twenty years the situation changes dramatically. The husband has now matured and become handsome like a man. Even his gray hair makes him look good. The wife has not gotten any younger, and her beauty has diminished. Her gray hair has to be painted over.
Why do people get divorced after 20-30 years of marriage?
Lack of love. main reason, which can lead to a crisis in family life and the preservation of which without love often makes no sense. What to do? Sometimes the only sure way out of a family crisis is divorce.
When you no longer have the strength to endure, you don’t want to make efforts, the spouses have nothing left in common, only mutual claims and reproaches. Many people prefer this option if they have somewhere to go other than emptiness and the unknown. In a situation where nothing in the family can be changed only for the reason that “the hunchbacked grave will correct” and it is impossible to leave, all that remains is to reconcile and endure. But if both spouses have a desire to glue the family boat together, living together can still be a source of happiness. And this requires banal things - patience and work. 1. Don't be silent. Talk, express your complaints and desires to each other, excluding rude words and insults.
Family psychology
Nervous life, stress, childbirth - all this did not have the best effect on a woman’s figure. Physical inactivity, smoking, and alcohol leave indelible marks on a woman’s face. It turns out that with age, the husband has matured, and she has aged.
And fewer and fewer admiring male eyes are directed towards the former young beauty. The spouse's income (as a rule) has now increased significantly, and he has climbed the career ladder. This circumstance increases his value not only in the eyes of his wife, but also of her rivals. In case of divorce, he is now an advantageous groom. He can afford to leave gracefully, leaving everything to his ex-wife. He has the means to purchase his own home. His husband is no longer the timid boy he was in the first years of marriage.
He learned how to beautifully look after a woman, and became skilled in the art of seduction. He has money to take a lady to an expensive restaurant, give flowers and gifts.
Sometimes both husband and wife unexpectedly realize that they have become strangers to each other. And, if the meaning of the couple’s existence was only in children, most likely the marriage will break up. Emotional instability At this age, various complaints about well-being appear. Women are usually worried about the impending menopause, men are scared of “sores” that have fallen out of nowhere. All this is annoying, interfering with calm communication. It is even possible that what has accumulated over the years married life irritation (repressed for the sake of the well-being of the children) will burst out and cover the marriage with an avalanche of divorce. Reassessment of values Why do men leave the family? As mentioned above, men and women take stock of their lives. But men are experiencing this crisis more acutely. Did they make it all? And old age is already on the horizon.
Relationships after 20 years of marriage
But initially they met, fell in love with each other and got married not for the sake of children. Children are just one stage of family life. They come into your life and leave it into their own. And you stay. And the marriage remains. But I can console you - there will definitely be no more crises, and in general - many people dream of freedom all their lives, but when they receive it, they do not know what to do with it. Think about what you dreamed about, what you wanted to do? You now have your whole life ahead of you. This crisis is less deep than the previous one, and with a favorable outcome it can last 1 year, sometimes several years Crisis in family relationships– 20-25 years of marriage. Why do men leave their families? Children have grown up By this time, children usually have already grown up and live their own lives. own life or leave the family altogether. Spouses often experience a related feeling of loneliness.
Family crises do not bypass any family. The main thing is to correctly perceive crises in your family life. Family - there is so much in this word... But not for everyone and not always the concept of family and the values associated with it are important.
When does the moment come when the family becomes not a reliable support, but a burden, or simply does not bring joy? Why don’t you want to: return home from work, talk with your loved one, look forward to the night for passionate solitude? And there’s a lot more I don’t want... When? A crisis in the family can arise at any time - in Honeymoon or after twenty-five years of marriage. But psychologists who know everything conventionally identify several difficult stages in the life of a family. After a year of marriage. The period of falling in love passes, the romantic veil falls from the eyes, the rose-colored glasses fade. Partners finally see each other in their true light, in everyday life and every day.
You are faced with your husband’s betrayal, the ground is disappearing from under your feet, you want to run away somewhere, hide and climb the wall. Why, how, what to do - these questions eat away from the inside. How to cope with such a painful situation and survive the betrayal of a loved one. You will be surprised, but it is not very difficult. We have prepared for you the most detailed advice from a practical psychologist on how to get out of depression, start enjoying life, maintain a relationship with your spouse or break up with him. Everyone will find useful information for themselves.
Help to cope with depression:
- Autotraining. This is the basis from which it is necessary to begin restoring mental balance. Every day a woman should repeat to herself that life goes on, there are people in the world who love and appreciate her. If you have children, you should remind yourself that they need a healthy and happy mother.
- Chat with friends. They will help take your mind off sad thoughts, support and console, especially if your parents are far away.
- Concentration on work. Free time is required to think about your unfortunate fate. Therefore, a good way out is to load yourself up with things to do so that you don’t have any energy left for the blues.
- Cardinal change of activity. Complete courses in stylist, web design, florist, etc. Choose what you like best. Mastering a new profession or starting a business requires courage and enormous concentration. There's no time for sadness here.
- Journey. One of the most enjoyable ways to cope with depression. New impressions and pleasant emotions will help you realize that there are many reasons to live and even more to be happy.
- Sessions with a psychologist. They provide an opportunity to speak out and receive qualified advice.
- New hobby. Most experts recommend changing your image or finding a new hobby. By registering for courses ( foreign language, yoga, cutting and sewing), you can learn something new and meet interesting people.
- Change of image. Get a different hairstyle, dye your hair. Go for a manicure and pedicure.
All this together allows you to recover and get rid of depression much faster than individually.
Advice from a psychologist on how to maintain a relationship with your loved one
If a man caught cheating is ready to give up a relationship on the side and chooses a family, the woman has a chance to save the marriage. In this case it is necessary:
- discuss the situation in detail with your husband;
- find out the reasons for the betrayal and try to eliminate them;
- develop rules for building intrafamily relationships;
- learn to trust your loved one (stop checking his mobile phone and email, calling).
It is necessary to discuss betrayal without hysterics and scandals, despite the fact that it will be difficult to control emotions. Shouting, mutual insults, insults and accusations will only alienate the spouses and will not help save the marriage. We need to reach a consensus and understand male psychology.
To survive deception, remember how many good things happened during the years you lived together, especially if you have been married for twenty or more years.
Most often, men are pushed to cheat by the desire to assert themselves, the lack of mutual understanding and support at home, the desire to get away from everyday life and the desire to experiment. In the first case, to avoid a repeat of the situation, it is necessary to compliment the man, give him the opportunity to be the head of the family. In the second, you need to try to be more interested in his activities, create a calm atmosphere at home, support your husband’s endeavors, and not create hysterics and scandals.
Necessary agree on the rules, on which family relationships will be built. Psychologists advise a woman, if she decides to stay, not to remind her husband about the betrayal at every opportunity, not to play on his feelings of guilt and leave this situation in the past. Need to . Read what we mean by this and how to implement it in our other article. You will find a way out even with a child in your arms, you will be able to resume everything or leave forever with dignity.
If a couple has children and grandchildren, then it is advisable to try to spend more time with them in order to appreciate the beauty of a friendly and strong family. You need to try to be together as much as possible, and if you have the opportunity to go on a trip, take advantage of it and arrange a repeat honeymoon.
If you don’t want to ruin your marriage, you need to do everything. We know what kind of woman you should become, and we shared our views in another article on the site.
Quite rightly, you may have a desire. Here you will find a ready-to-use plan, a list of what not to do and whether it is worth doing so.
Those who decide to retaliate should think 100 times whether this is necessary. Read about them all here. You will be surprised how many things can happen after this, most of them bad!
Before experiencing adultery, it is necessary. Join our discussion: is it worth doing this, why he deserves a second chance, and when is it better to cut a cheater out of your life forever.
How to calmly part with your husband and live after divorce
If it is not possible to save the marriage after betrayal (the husband chose his mistress over his family, the wife cannot forgive, the spouses have cooled off towards each other), then you need to try to maintain your self-esteem and part ways in a civilized manner. This is especially necessary if the couple has children who will find it difficult to watch their parents quarrel.
We recommend reading free book Alexey Chernozem "What to do with men's infidelities". You will learn why men cheat and leave for their mistresses, how to react correctly to betrayal in order to preserve the relationship and prevent it from happening again in the future, and also how to survive all this.
The book is free. To download, click on this link, leave your e-mail and you will receive an email with a link to the pdf file.
After a divorce, some women try to turn their children against their father or prevent them from meeting. This is the wrong position. For harmonious development, a child needs communication with both parents. Also, children, like sponges, absorb the behavior and life position of their parents.
If a couple has been married for 20-30 years or more and the children are already adults, then the daughter may develop a distrustful, suspicious attitude towards men. Therefore, it is necessary to show them that, despite the separation, the parents treat each other with respect and behave with dignity.
If a young woman who has not been married for many years (up to 5-7) is faced with a divorce, she needs to concentrate on the fact that she has her whole life ahead of her and will definitely meet the right one, loving guy. Shouldn't be blamed ex-spouse is that they spent on it best years life and that no one needs you anymore! On the contrary, thank your husband for everything you have experienced together.
If a 40-50 year old woman is faced with a divorce, then she needs to realize that she has the opportunity to devote more time to herself. You need to understand that now is the time to take up a hobby, discover something new, get acquainted with interesting man and again feel all the charm of falling in love and the candy-bouquet period. And a woman at 40 is just starting to live!
Listen to what Dr. Kurpatov says on Channel One:
If you are planning to continue living with your husband, forget about the fact that he may become unfaithful again (thoughts are material). And it is very important not to restore, but to build new relationships. You must want this with every fiber of your soul. You will need to get out of your comfort zone for a while, but you won’t be able to do without it!
The scientific approach to relationships between people is very stingy in explaining feelings. Love is considered to be chemical and biological processes in which a certain complex of hormones is produced. This complex must be developed even after 20 years of marriage, otherwise divorce is inevitable. The longer the euphoria of love lasts, the more difficult it becomes for a person to lose it. This phenomenon cannot be explained.
When people lose love over the years, it very often results in large quantity psychosomatic reactions of the body and divorce in life together. How to avoid illness if you are faced with the inevitability of divorce after 20 years of marriage? What are the reasons for disagreements after many years of marriage? Is it possible to resolve the conflict? Let's try to figure this out.
Fatigue
There are couples who divorce after 20 years of marriage due to simple fatigue. At the age of 40-50, many people have a desire to “live for themselves.” Most often it occurs in men, since they perceive changes in their life together somewhat easier than women. Such fatigue rarely appears at the same time in both spouses.
Imagine a situation: a husband informs his wife of his desire to separate and asks for a divorce, due to the monotony of life together and marriage. She accepts his wish. They file for divorce. How could she continue to live if she was the keeper of the hearth, did not have a job, did not have the opportunity to build a career, and was the “shadow” of her husband in their marriage? Eking out a miserable existence after a divorce? Expect help, but from whom?
Situations like this happen quite often. They require an immediate solution. Psychologists advise looking for support and help only in yourself. Even if there are people willing to help, you cannot shift the solution to the problem onto someone else’s shoulders. Look for a way to resolve the situation yourself. Remember, your actions are not every second help - the foundation for later life after divorce.
Is it possible to overcome fatigue?
If a husband or wife initiates divorce due to fatigue, the inability to live a monotonous, boring life together, you need to understand whether the decision to divorce is final. The couple can still be saved; divorce is not the only solution, provided that both spouses are willing to make the effort.
To do this, you will need to radically change your life together, understand and identify the main reasons for the routine and desire for divorce, and then eliminate them.
This is difficult and requires professional help. Unfortunately, people don't hear the warning signs. The desire to get a divorce is often the finishing line.
Recrimination
Having lived together for a long time, spouses usually describe separation and divorce as follows: the inability to listen to complaints, believing that only a divorce can put an end to this. This is often the main reason to seek solace on the side. A lover or mistress does not nag; it is easy, pleasant, and you can talk about any topic with them.
The longer people are together, the more common is the desire to shift the blame to the other half. The reasons for a bad mood are different, “forcing” spouses to look for reasons to take them away from themselves. Mutual accusations become a kind of tradition in life together.
Wives accuse their husbands of raising their children and not being able to have a career. Although they understand perfectly well that the desire to have children was mutual, and the lack of professional experience is not his fault. Husbands accuse their wives of having joint family
they were unable to realize their desires, make a career, or build their own business. Although, the desire to start a family was a mutual decision.
Is it possible to stop blaming each other? Experts say The best way
solve common problems - talk about them. This rule works without exception. Only by comparing the points of view of both spouses can one see the only correct way out of joint problems and divorce. Unfortunately, achieving your goal without the help of a professional psychologist will be very difficult.
Any discussion will again “slide” to the level of mutual claims. Such a couple needs an arbitrator who will look at the problem without emotion, because 20 years is a huge joint period, during which both have managed to accumulate many grievances.
Most often, the basis for mutual accusations lies in the inability to talk about the real problems of living together. Very often, accusations are a feeling of guilt or dissatisfaction.
Lack of pleasure
- the joy of intimacy;
- communication;
- joint hobbies;
- aspirations.
When shared pleasure is removed from the equation, the very meaning of marriage becomes illusory. That's when the couple starts asking questions. Why do they lose pleasure after living together for 20 years? Where can they find what they reveled in at the beginning of their relationship? Where does it go? Can I file for divorce?
If the foundation of a marriage is lost, the only option available is divorce. Many spouses think so. Unfortunately, they are right. It is very difficult to again find the same connecting thread that brought the spouses into each other’s arms, avoiding divorce. That is why the absence of pleasure is the most dangerous reason relationship breakdown and divorce.
Where to find lost pleasure?
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Most often, the reason for divorce was several points at once. If you try to save such a relationship, you will have to identify everything and work together to eradicate it. It is important that both spouses want this, otherwise all attempts will be in vain.
Adult children
The main reason to start a family is the desire to have children together. That is why, after 20 years of marriage, many couples face serious problems and get divorced, because by this time the children have grown up. Accordingly, spouses need to find the meaning of their joint relationship. It is possible if you search wisely. Otherwise, even after maintaining the relationship and avoiding divorce, you can remain an unhappy person who is simply afraid of change.
Remember the saying: “Gray hair is a devil in the rib”? Compare it with the statements described above: men are less afraid of change than women, children by this time are already adults (17-20 years old).
Then you can understand why it is at the age of 40-50 that so many men appear who begin to wander in search of happiness on the side and ask for a divorce.
Is it possible to find meaning in a relationship if the children are already grown?
The couple will have to look for meaning in something else, since they have exhausted the pleasure of raising children together. Some couples find it in raising their grandchildren, but this is just a substitute, because it can still lead to divorce. You need to look for something that will bring pleasure to both spouses: joint hobbies
and aspirations can be an excellent replacement.
Set a goal to organize a business for two with your other half or take up some kind of sport together. Simply put, you need to find something that can become a joint pleasure, then you will find the meaning of saving your marriage, avoiding divorce.
- What to do if divorce is the only option? “At 40, life is just beginning.” Remember this phrase? Remember it as often as possible. IN modern world
- both a man and a woman aged 40-50 are mature, experienced people. It’s too early to be considered old; you can’t give up. Divorce is not the end of a life together, even after 20 years of marriage.
- Don't focus too much attention on the problems of your loved ones. Making children and grandchildren the center of your shared universe is a time bomb that will one day explode, leaving you feeling empty and dissatisfied. Life is full of pleasant moments, so learn to enjoy it yourself. Forgive yourself and your spouse for the separation. Very often, even after a divorce, ex-spouses try to blame each other for all the troubles and look for answers to why this happened. Vicious circle
- from which there is no way out. Continuing to blame yourself, your ex-spouse or spouse for all troubles, it is impossible to become happy. It's like holding out a bucket when the roof is dripping. It’s better to fix it once and forget it forever, and not until the next rain. Forgiveness is an important, necessary path for further life.
Find your way. Divorce can be an impetus for personal growth and new achievements. It is only necessary to redirect unspent energy to achieve the goal. The energy that you spent on your other half remains unclaimed after a divorce. So find a use for them.
| Find a replacement for black thoughts! | I am old and no one needs me. |
| I am mature and experienced. | I want him/her to come back. |
| I understand that we did everything to save the relationship. | It would be better if this happened earlier. |
| After 20 years together, I can say that we were happy and I’m glad about it. | I'm afraid of loneliness. |
| I'm free! | It will be difficult for me financially. |
| New opportunities are open for me. | She (he) has a young lover. new love, then I can do it too. |
| I have nothing else to do with myself. | I now have a lot of free time. |
| How to live after 20 years together? | Life goes on with or without him (her)! |
Use phrases such or similar to these that will change the approach to the problem at hand. Don't allow yourself to become discouraged. Look boldly into the future, a new life awaits around the corner.
Attention! Due to recent changes in legislation, the legal information in this article may be out of date! Our lawyer can advise you free of charge - write your question in the form below:
