Hello! I am 26 years old, I am married for the second time. My ex-husband and I were together for 9 years. First love, first serious relationship. The relationship was emotionally difficult. Ex-husband He was hot-tempered and emotional. It was either very good or very bad with him. He could insult, call, sometimes hit. I constantly saw correspondence with other girls. The last 2 years before the breakup were especially difficult for me. We seemed to be married, but we didn’t have a family. He either lived with me or went to his parents. To questions about a future together, about children, etc. avoided answering. Never tried to help me solve any problems. When I had a period of lack of money, he said let my father help me, because he has more money. As a result, I was tired of such relationships, and I plucked up the courage to leave. The breakup was difficult... The ex cried, asked not to leave, said that he understood everything, that he loved me very much, etc. I heard this many times, but in the end nothing changed. After breaking up, we sometimes continued to communicate. Once every 2-3 months we corresponded, he also continued to claim that he loved only me. Although I have already met others. And I was also with my current husband.
At this point, 2 years have passed since the breakup. But we stopped communicating completely only 3 months ago.
Actually, what is my problem.... My current husband is almost perfect. He loves me very much, takes care of me very much. We have similar interests and tastes. With him I get everything that I was deprived of in my previous relationship. He himself is a foreigner, now I live with him in France. It feels like the universe heard my prayers and fulfilled everything I asked for. But as they say, be careful what you wish for... My husband is used to being and living alone. He is more secretive, not used to sharing his thoughts with anyone. The ex, on the contrary, always told me everything. We were constantly discussing something. And now I really miss this... Maybe the period of adaptation in another country is taking its toll. Or the fact that I’m not working right now and I have too much free time that I have nothing to fill. I don't know...
I’m starting to remember my ex more and more often... I often dream about him, I follow him on social networks...
I know that he has a girlfriend (she just turned 18, he is 28). I'm starting to be jealous. I know he's different with her. He pays his own rent and for going to the restaurant. He shared all expenses with me. I'm incredibly offended... And that's why the thought comes to me that maybe he really has changed... Maybe it was worth giving him a chance...
All this prevents me from living. I can't enjoy life with my current husband. I love him, I want to be with him. But the slightest misunderstanding between us brings me to tears and thoughts that I was too hasty with everything...
I want to stop following my ex. I don't know how to get him out of my head. I feel resentment and bitterness from parting. We were together for so many years, and I didn’t even try to save our marriage...
How can I force myself to stop following him?
I'm the head of the department. During his wife’s pregnancy, an office romance arose with a subordinate on the initiative of both, which grew into mutual love. I agree that I shouldn’t have done this, but passion consumed me and carried me away. She has a 4 year old child.
I stopped loving my wife a couple of years ago, but she continues to love me. It took a very long time to have children - about 4 years and they are very desirable.
Since the Beloved does not want to be an eternal lover it's time to choose: family or love. The choice is extremely difficult, because I am very drawn to my Beloved and I feel very sorry and sad for my wife, leaving my children, but living with an unloved person is like being in prison...
I'm at a crossroads... I'm trying to weigh all the PROS and CONS - a jumble in my head... I'm ready to get a divorce (the condemnation of society doesn't scare me), but the thought of children stops me and being at home is unbearable - all my thoughts are about my Beloved... I'm in this state It's been 1.5 months now and I feel like I'm torturing everyone...
I live with a family of 2 children (twins) and a wife, but I love another
Hello Evgeniy.You are going through a difficult period in your life and making a choice is very difficult. After leaving your wife, you will constantly think about your children. But by living with your wife without love, you make not only yourself unhappy, but also her. I think you can talk to your wife and explain yourself. When you leave your family, you will help your children and will not stop being their father. Explain to your wife that over time she will be able to meet and love another man who will make her happy. You can and should remain friends with your wife, for the sake of the children, yourself and your wife. It’s not easy for your wife right now, and it’s very painful. She also needs support. And you need to speak calmly, without reproaches or accusations. With gratitude for your children.
Also, when making this choice, you must be sure of your love for another woman. And only you can make this choice.
I wish you strength and courage in your choice.
Sincerely, psychologist Valentina Veklich.
I live with a family of 2 children (twins) and a wife, but I love another
Hello, Evgeniy.
The fact that you had an office romance and the fact that you “fell out of love with your wife a couple of years ago” suggests that something was wrong in your relationship. There were no needs met. I probably won’t be wrong if I say that you got married in a state of love, and everything was fine. But the feeling of falling in love passes after about 1.5-2 years. Bright colors disappear, novelty disappears. And then people begin to notice some shortcomings of the other, and then disagreements arise on some issues. You write that with your wife, “You can’t count how much you have acquired and experienced together.” And this situation requires work on relationships. Works of both. And this is often not understood. In addition, everything became more complicated due to problems with my wife’s pregnancy and IVF. Did you love her? And if you were missing something in your relationship, did you talk to her about it?
Love affair at work, where “passion absorbed and carried away”, this is a state of falling in love, new sensations that have not been experienced with my wife for a long time. And it is clear that there is a “very strong pull” there. As long as there is passion, love. So what is next? You will also need to work on relationships, nothing happens by itself.
Yes, the choice is difficult. Think, answer these questions for yourself.
Good luck to you, Evgeniy.
Sincerely, Olga Poznyak.
Greetings, dear readers my blog! Today I would like to talk about what an unfree man should do if he has feelings for another woman. It often happens that you meet a person and do not notice how your communication becomes more sensual and intimate. But if this is not a problem for a free person, then what if you already have a soulmate? The topic of today's article: married, but in love with someone else.
How serious is it?
Undoubtedly, each situation requires an individual approach, because each couple has its own story. How long have you been married, did you get married when you were young, do you have children, how long have you been in your relationship with your mistress?
But regardless of these circumstances, we have two options for the development of events. The first is if you just had an affair on the side, an infatuation, a passion, but nothing more. Even in this case, many men think that they are into their new passion, although this is actually not the case.
This happens most often due to boredom in marriage. You have been living with your wife for a long time, every day you solve everyday problems, instead of sweet and affectionate messages, she sends you a boring and tedious list of groceries. And then at work or in a group of friends you meet a girl. She is all so light, gentle, interesting, sexy and you seem to be fascinated by her.
When you start dating her, you feel in seventh heaven. And in bed she is a sparkle, and does not pester you with stupid requests as a spouse. Of course, you haven’t yet gone through problems and living together.
There is a second option - when you find a woman who really makes you feel like a completely different person next to her. It happens that your wife is not the woman who will be with you until the end of your days.
And in this case, of course, it is not easy for all three participants in the situation. A man rushes between his wife and his mistress, his wife feels detached from her husband, and his new passion suffers from the uncertainty of whether he will stay with his wife or decide to divorce.
Therefore, first of all, I suggest that you understand the seriousness of your feelings for your new passion. Is it really so serious that you can pack your suitcase tomorrow and leave home forever? Or is it just a hobby, an attempt to diversify the dull everyday life? Give yourself an honest answer and then you will understand where to move next.
What is the way out
What to do if you find yourself in a similar situation? If you cannot say with one hundred percent certainty that she is the one, the one and only one you have been waiting for all your life, then think carefully about whether it is worth destroying your family because of this relationship. Especially if you have children. When there are no children, the question becomes somewhat simpler, although it will not hurt any less.
One of my clients did not dare to leave his wife for his mistress only for the reason that he and his wife had two children. And later it turned out that he did right choice. Because his wife stayed with him even during a crisis at work, but that same girl found herself a rich man the very next day. Make sure your new hobby is worth it.
If you decide to stay in the family, then my articles “” and “” will definitely help you.
If you really can no longer imagine your life without her, then you will have to make a final choice. You won't be able to sit on two chairs. This is dishonest both to the spouse and to the new woman. In any situation, try not to lose your dignity.
You can honestly tell everything to your wife. Explain that you have met the love of your life and do not want to hurt your wife with cheating and lies. But remember that not every woman can withstand such information. Think about whether your spouse can take everything calmly.
If you are not sure, then it is better to simply say that you are unhappy in the relationship and would like to leave. Thank her for everything that happened and try to convince her that you are more likely to be happy apart.
I recommend that you contact a psychologist for more detailed advice who will tell you what to do specifically in your situation. Write the details of your story in the comments and together we will find the most suitable option.
What feelings do you have for your spouse? How long ago did you have another woman? Have you ever been cheated on?
Life sometimes throws us a difficult situation. Remember that you can even get out of a dead end by at least turning back.
Good luck to you!
Sergey Maksimov
Hello! Sergey, 45 years old, married for 20 years, 3 children, 19, 10 and 10. I met a woman whom I have always (30 years) loved very much, and still love! I don’t know whether to tell my wife. We both suffer because we are not free (
Sergey Maksimov
Some advice
Sergey Maksimov
I don’t know, but it’s also unbearable without this woman! Maybe he will understand?
Sergey Maksimov
I want to be with her, but I feel sorry for my wife!
Sergey Maksimov
Not really, I just want to be with her
Sergey Maksimov, yes, I understand.. Loving is wonderful.. What can I say..
But if you turn on reality and put aside emotions, what then is the bottom line?
Now I want to be with her.. And in a year?
How can you live happily, forgetting about everything, if you know that you have a wife and three children...
Can you?
How did your beloved captivate you? What was missing in the marriage?
Sergey Maksimov
I fell in love with her since I was 14 years old, when we met in a pioneer camp. She is very beautiful!! He courted and offered to be together. She refused, citing the fact that she was too young, not ready, and in general, did not understand what it was... Unfortunately, I was neither persistent nor patient. He stepped aside. Almost disappeared from her life, but having learned that she married her husband, he is constantly very angry that she did not choose me. She had 3 marriages, all unsuccessful, also 3 children, but older. After the last one, he has a surname like mine)) Now he says that if I had been more persistent in my youth, we would have been together...
I understand with my mind that if we are together, the passion may pass, but I can’t do anything with myself ((
Sergey Maksimov
We correspond and meet. I often take her to work by car and pick her up. I spent the night with her several times. We had great sex more than once! Lives not far from my house. Anticipating the question, I’ll answer while I’m working in a taxi, with a free schedule.
No, I’m not talking about work :) I’m talking about illusions.. About wonderful sex and rare meetings on the sly.. Perhaps this is why your feelings are so strong and bright. Because you don’t live together, don’t lead a life together, don’t raise children, don’t do anything uninteresting... Everything is bright, rich. You know, leave everything as it is for now.. Breaking 20 years of marriage is easy.. But restoring it is sooooo difficult, sometimes impossible.. Therefore, wait, time will put everything in its place. Perhaps this love obsession will end as it did then? And here - a common person, and there is a dear one, but no longer a wife... Wait with the conversation. Let everything go as it goes...
Sergey Maksimov
Thank you, Olga! Good advice, soothing, but unfortunately expected. But there are just no bright impressions (We are no longer young, we both have 3 children and we both know firsthand what life is like. This is what we miss, no matter how strange it may sound. One day she I asked to take her to one of the chain hypermarkets, we walked together and chose goods. You can’t imagine how much pleasure we both got!! Can.
And one more thing. I am very jealous, especially about her past. Among her friends there are people who were in close relationships with her (not husbands). There are not many of them, two people, but, as she says, they exchange congratulations and that’s it. I believe, but when I ask him to stop, he answers, “don’t forget, you’re married and I’m nobody to you.” I'm probably wrong, but...
Okay, Olga. Thank you again!!) Probably I just needed to vent to someone, and as you yourself understand, there is no one else (
P.S. I've lost her twice already, and I'm dying to do this again.
P.P.S. We are no longer young and we will never get another chance to be together.
I would be happy to make an appointment with you, let’s talk, if it’s not very expensive)). But only live)))
"Hello, dear Evolution!Thanks for your blog. It’s very interesting and I would like to think it’s useful to read your posts.
I am writing to you in the hope that my post will be published for one reason or another and that I will receive your valuable advice and thoughts. Because I am very confused and walking in circles, unable to understand what to do. And walking is very tiring both the head and heart and body.
Married, little daughter 6 years old. In all the years of marriage I have never looked to the left once, but last year I was surprised to discover that I flirt and make advances with women much more actively than before. Relations at home were bad, probably defaulted, but before I was somehow distracted by sports or the Internet. Enough. A year ago I stopped having enough and started chatting online with a friend. Quite quickly the correspondence became quite frank and soon I cowardly completely ran away from home problems into this virtual outlet. Although I knew all the time that there could be no special continuation of this flirtation, and I would not leave the family. No matter how I feel about my wife, I love my daughter very much.
Then I met L. At first there seemed to be nothing. A week later I wrote a message, simply. She answered, began to correspond and continued for three days with breaks for sleep and other physiology. On the fourth day there was a mutual declaration of love.
A crazy surge of energy, just going through the Himalayas, the feeling of soaring and those same butterflies. Long meetings at work whenever and wherever possible. No physical contact, just conversations, being close, romance.
At home, relationships went completely wrong. It’s not surprising, being physically in the apartment
in fact, I was online all the time.
Two weeks later, I explained to L. that everything was very bad at home, and I might leave my wife, but I didn’t want leaving to be connected with L. in any way, so I was taking a timeout for a few days so that I could step away and think about what do next.
The timeout did not help at all, and we continued to see and communicate with L. in the same mode as before.
A month later there was physical intimacy. Everything except sex itself. Both she and I had a barrier. Although I wanted it madly and it was just as madly good.
After some time, my wife saw a couple of SMS messages and almost daily scandals and conversations began. I lied to my wife that I no longer communicated with L., said that I felt bad, that I didn’t love her and that my beloved child was holding me. She cried, I felt sorry for her. I felt trapped, where any step only made the situation worse. I also suddenly learned that my wife had read my phone before. I saw some innocent correspondence (really innocent), which I considered unacceptable and cooled off, without telling me anything or trying to clarify.
As I wrote before, sport always helped, but there was an ambush here too. I played volleyball quite seriously in my youth, now I play amateur and was seriously injured in one of the games. So much so that I could hardly walk. For me, the lack of physical activity is difficult to cope with, and now there is constant pain. I drank every evening for almost two weeks, but I stopped myself; alcohol definitely didn’t help, although it dulled the pain and slowed down the endless carousel of “You can’t leave” in your head.
I continued to communicate with L. and discovered new things in myself. For example, I realized that I was terribly jealous, although previously I thought that I simply lacked this trait and, perhaps, even treated jealous people with contempt.
L. complained that it was hard for her, that she missed me, that she wanted certainty, but a solution still did not appear in my head.
We met about once a week and communicated virtually the rest of the time. Finally, I decided that I needed to stay and told L. about it. Then it seemed to me that I was leaving a little in the black, but I couldn’t find the strength to leave in an environmentally friendly way. Or didn't really want to leave. As a result, a few days later I wrote to L. again and the relationship resumed. This continued for another 6 weeks, then the same scenario again. I can’t, I love you, I need to leave. L.’s sobs, a few days later I write to her again myself and all over again.
It was hard for me to just be at home. Not because of scandals, because of the oppressive atmosphere. Finally, I decided to leave, there were several more difficult conversations with my wife, after one of them we agreed that I would go to work, bring my daughter from the kindergarten and leave, but my wife asked me to stay the night, and I stayed the night. And in the morning I realized that I still couldn’t leave. My daughter won’t let me go, and I feel sorry for my wife.
L. wrote that she was exhausted, that she was going crazy, that she needed communication. That she loves, but she decided to communicate perhaps with other men, since I cannot be with her. I supported her verbally, and at first thinking that I supported her, that it would be easier for her, but then I began to go crazy with jealousy. But he didn't tell her about it.
Now I'm in another country. For the last two weeks I’ve been writing to her occasionally, in the “how are you, how are you” category. The last such message remained unanswered. In a week I can see L. if she wants. Now I don’t know if he will.
During these months, I felt a lot of new experiences, from euphoria and happiness to complete apathy, self-loathing and suicide planning (this heresy, thank God, passed). The happiness and euphoria have passed, and now I just don’t know what to do and I feel terrible fatigue and loss of strength. I feel like I’m in a swamp, I’m afraid of losing L., I feel like I can’t live without her, I feel like I’m stuck in some kind of mess for unknown reasons.
I understand for myself that I want to be with L., but I’m afraid of messing things up. And at the same time, I love my daughter very much, and I don’t want to traumatize her. It torments me that I will hurt a child. At the same time, it is impossible to continue in the same mode. I’m already breaking down on a physical level: I started to catch a cold, I’m losing weight, although I’m less active and eat the same amount. Help me please.
Thank you!"
My comment
The main person whose happiness you are responsible for is yourself. Not your wife, not even your daughter, but you, although you must fulfill your fatherly duty, of course, both by law and by conscience, and because you love her. But this duty does not include being with her mother against her wishes and contrary to her normal well-being. The main person you have to make happy is you.
There are excellent fathers who do not live with their children, there are bad ones who do, you probably know it yourself.
As far as I understand, you never had normal sex with L.? If so, it's wrong. The time-out was taken incorrectly, especially with the wording “I don’t want leaving to be associated with you.” What is this anyway? It is with her that he should be connected. If you want to build a new relationship, you must be generous in this relationship, you must say and show that you love her and leave your wife for this new love, you should have sex with the woman you love, you should not make it clear that your wife comes first for you. By doing this, you close all the ways for the development of new relationships, break them, but break your marriage too. While you are simply pushing L away from you, you are doing everything to make her stop loving you, and maybe even hate you. But will you get the love of your wife in return? You probably understand that no.
Your tossing is very typical for a married, kind, decent person who loves his daughter, but you are trying to sit on two chairs, you don’t let L feel your passion and love, and you can’t give your feelings to your wife. You deprive everyone of their feelings, including yourself.
This comes from the fact that you (like many people) arrogantly believe that you can control your emotions. No. A person cannot directly control emotions; he can create in advance some circumstances that can indirectly influence emotions. No person is capable of directly forcing himself to stop loving one and loving another. He can suppress his feelings, arouse in himself hatred for what is happening, prohibit, stifle his sensuality, driving him into frustration and apathy, but this will affect his health and his general condition. There is no need to do this. You need to treat your emotions and especially feelings with care. Do not blindly follow their lead, but value them and guide them in a constructive direction.
What can be a constructive direction here?
In my opinion, you began to rush to escape from the triangle too early, without actually being in it yet.
If you really want to save your marriage, it’s better not to have mistresses, but when the question is - to leave your wife, it’s better to try to have an affair on the side and then choose, otherwise you may end up with a virtual image and not a real woman. Start a relationship with your mistress to begin with, invite your wife to give you the opportunity to choose. Listen to your heart, not your mind, you are clearly overdoing the second, and you are kicking the first. Therefore, it either lets you go or covers you.
It may turn out that your relationship with L will not work out, but try to sincerely surrender to it without immediately taking clear steps. Otherwise, instead of getting to know L better, you will leave your wife for her and will be tormented as to whether you did the right thing by leaving your daughter. You will torture L and as a result you will be left without her and without a wife. Only with jealousy of new men L.
The most profitable (environmentally friendly) thing for you is for your wife to kick you out herself. Invite her to temporarily live in the triangle. If she says that you should leave, the responsibility for this will be on her, and not just on you. You will share responsibility and will not suffer so much.
If L categorically refuses to have a relationship with you until you leave your wife, even temporarily, she either doesn’t love you enough or is already too much tormented by your tossing and turning. Ask her what she wants from a relationship, and if she is sincerely ready to be with you, build a real family, respect your fatherly feelings and invest fully in the relationship, perhaps she still loves you and you should probably choose her.
She behaves competently, so it will be very difficult for you to forget her, you will suffer if you let her go now. In order not to suffer, you must give her more love and sincere promises. If she responds to this by continuing to date other men and not taking you very seriously, she may have already stopped loving you. But if you have no emotional debts to her, if you are sincere and loving, breaking up and forgetting her will be much easier for you than if you continue to push her away, torment her and try to sit on two chairs, as you are doing now.
